me at 14: aka my new year’s reflection & resolutions

New Year's Day, 2019. My friend and I are posing in front of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco!

so. i’m gradually getting closer and closer to the big one-five! halfway to thirty, anyone? considering that my friends are all pretty much 15 or 16 already, no one seems to understand the weird limbo i’m in right now – 14 seems awfully young (i mean so does 15), but do i want to let go of my youth? after all, everything you accomplish seems more exciting and worthy the younger you are. i can’t believe i’ve been wasting my last months as a 14-year-old on SCHOOL. drifting aimlessly through mounds of schoolwork and mundane day-to-day interactions, subconsciously assimilating… ah, isn’t ignorance bliss? anyway, i need to process this shit SOMEWHERE, so here goes.

2018 happenings:

  • turned 14. holy shit. i was 13 for a little over a week at the beginning of this year. holy shit. on to bigger realizations! (i hate setting the bar high but i’m trying to be more of a goal-oriented, ambitious person? i really am the antithesis of a capricorn wow)
  • got even more into frank ocean (holy shit blonde came out in 2016 but god there’s more and more layers and more and more chills every time i listen); i listened to a LOT of good music this year tbh
  • officially became a ~runner~ through joining long distance track & field in the spring (lol do i think i deserve an award? do i think i deserve an award? YES. this shit is painful and i’m slow but here i am anyway! don’t worry, my coach always hands out participation diplomas even though i get injured every season)
    • before this, i ran a 10k in oct. 2017 without any prior exercise/training and that was sheer pain… can’t tell if it deterred me from more running or not?
  • finished freshman year…. 1/4 of high school! crazy and also i didn’t do much?
  • summer: went to france with family (paris was beautiful, so was NW france!), went to culture camp in china and made friends! also rode horses in inner mongolia with 晓琴阿姨!
  • started sophomore year with 3 APs and all honors (not counting religion bleh) & ran cross country (got injured AGAIN but i ran in golden gate park!)
  • saw arcade fire without ever knowing any of their music; fell in love with berkeley, california
  • went to homecoming and had a good time! my toe got stomped on, though!
  • saw boygenius, the 3 loves of my life, LIVE when i never thought it would actually be possible
  • made a neighbor friend, karen (who paid me $100 to feed birds?)
  • my review of the good place got published in the new york times!
  • actually, why not? heres my 2018 resolutions from this past new years (unabridged bc i’m that #cool):
    1. don’t be a fatass
    2. be ur best self
    3. be healthy & move!
    4. embody love & happiness
    5. stop caring about things that don’t matter
  • well well well. guess 1/1/18 me was a lil preachy bitch huh. but she really did think of vague ideas that i’m always gonna be pushing for

2019 resolutions

  • be WHOLESOME and radiant to everyone around you and yourself
  • learn knitting/sewing/embroidery/painting
  • make zines! collage! decoupage!
  • write poetry/screenplays/songs more
  • work towards making a film & getting better at photography
  • do krav maga & self defense & get stronger!
  • go back to dance class? or just dance yourself at home!
  • give gifts on birthdays. it means a lot. (ok ur bad at gift giving but get BETTER? also effort counts)
  • contribute to/start clubs at school
  • FINALLY get your balcony garden going
  • write more on this blog!
  • memorize 3 20+ line poems
  • get job or internship experience!
  • driver’s ed / driving permit
  • paint with bob ross
  • avoid lice
  • appearances don’t matter and PLEASE STOP CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK. it might hurt in the moment but that shit will be so unbelievably petty in the grand scheme of your LIFE. life is so majestic and big and wonderful and the possibilities are endless (esp since you are relatively privileged)! you don’t need negativity and they are not worth your time or emotions.
  • make shit happen if it hasn’t happened.
  • be someone you’d truly be proud to be.
  • don’t halfass!!!!!!!!!

i truly want to work on being more genuine and sincere in everything i do. i think i halfass, or do the bare minimum, for a lot of areas in life and it shows. i keep on waiting for a catalyst to change my life as if THAT’S what i’m missing, as if when it comes i’ll be transformed into someone cool and different and better. my mom always said “why do people heat their environment when they can just heat themselves with wearing more clothes?” well, you get the idea. change starts within yourself, and i can’t rely on something happening to me for that. i stay too much within my comfort zone and i really feel like while to some extent this is safe, mostly i need to be comfortable BEING uncomfortable. that’s the only way i’ll grow.

as parks and rec says, “there are two kinds of women in this world. there are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there are women who are cool. you could either be a cleopatra or you could be an eleanor roosevelt. i’d rather be cleopatra.” and with that, i’m not condoning the extremes, but rather a happy balance. i look back on my choices, and often in the moment, i’m internally congratulating myself on the more “tasteful,” conservative, anti-rebellious decision that i’m making. i think to myself, “i’m being wise. these hoes are being stupid.” but really? wise is so fucking boring! and stupidity? not always applicable, but FUN is memorable. fun is what makes life worth living. and it’s not a one-time decision, it’s a subconscious mindset and instinctive lifestyle that i’m completely wired against, but i’m learning to embrace it. i don’t want to become someone else, but who i am right now is kinda a grandma. get past social anxiety and surround yourself with healthy supportive vibes! stop overthinking and analyzing your every shortcoming and instead live in the moment! remedy it NOW instead of stewing over it and not doing anything?

now to move on from self-loathing and overthinking! i’m really into “pursuing” (some might say forcing) artistic ways of expressing myself, and there’s so many different paths. i’m not very good at any of them, which is why i’m trying out so many. i complain, and then people tell me this stuff doesn’t come by with just natural talent. practice makes perfect, and goddammit i’m gonna get BETTER if it kills me. embroidery floss, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

this past year has also made me reconsider a lot of what i used to perceive about myself and my position in life. my family used to never have to worry about money, but now that we bought a new house and haven’t sold the old one (renting out), i’ve had to think about it for the first time. i’ve also been stressing about college; extracurriculars, internships, jobs, summer programs are all freaking me out because money and also how i’ve accomplished zilch and am uncreative. wait not gonna hate myself i’m radiating POSITIVITY now. this is hard i’m gonna go do 20 pushups and hold myself accountable (actually did them! it was so hard oh my god) but yeah! i’m going to be motivated to be more present and focused and FULL-ass everything. let’s see how long this lasts, but i have a feeling i’m gonna live my best life and turn things around 😉 i have faith in god and the universe and whatever higher power out there that things will turn out alright. after all, others’ success and triumphs should only motivate my personal success, not diminish it. and there are so many more important things in the world than inspecting the flora/fauna of a college. ivy unnecessary 🙂

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *